NUTTY HUMOUR

 
Submitted by HighFlyer

Submitted by Mystcal1

Submitted by Supermom

Submitted by Supermom

Submitted by Supermom

Esau Wood sawed wood. 
Esau Wood would saw wood! 
Oh, the wood Wood would saw! 
All the wood Esau Wood saw, Esau 
Wood would saw. 
In other words, all the wood Wood 
saw, Esau sought to saw. 
One day, Wood's wood saw would saw no wood. 
Hence all the wood Wood saw was the wood 
Wood would saw if Wood's wood-saw would 
saw wood. 
But because Wood could saw wood only with 
a wood-saw that would saw wood, Esau sought 
a saw that would saw wood. 
Then Esau saw a saw as no other wood-saw 
would saw. 
In fact, of all the wood-saws Wood ever saw 
saw wood, Wood never saw a saw saw as the 
wood-saw Wood saw would saw. 
And even I never saw a saw saw as the wood-saw 
Wood saw would saw until I saw Esau saw wood 
with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood. 
Now Wood saws wood with the wood-saw Wood 
saw saw wood, so the story has a happy ending. 

From The Old Farmer's Almanac, 2003 

Submitted by HighFlyer

Submitted by HighFlyer

Submitted by HighFlyer

Submitted by HighFlyer

 

Submitted by Yvonne

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened.
Cora Harvey Armstrong

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy........
Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Janette Barber

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
Jan King

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
Laurie Kuslansky

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
Rhonda Hansome

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be hought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
Unknown

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb . . and I'm also not blonde.
Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
Erica Jong

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
Sue Grafton

I think---therefore I'm single.
Lizz Winstead

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man--if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Gloria Steinem

I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
Marie Corelli

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Linda Ellerbee

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Submitted by HighFlyer

Grammar, grammar, grammar

"Strolling down the road, Mount Rushmore came into view."

"Born at the age of forty-three, the baby was a great comfort for Mrs.
Wooster."

"Tail wagging merrily, Bertie took the dog for a walk."

"As a den mother, Mrs. Glossop's station wagon was always full of Cub
Scouts."

"After overeating, the hammock looked pretty good to Archie."

"On returning home, Maxine's phone rang."

"Walking briskly, the belt of her raincoat was lost."

"At the age of ten, my father bought me a puppy."

"Dumpy and overweight, the vet says our dog needs more exercise."

Submitted by Supermom

Submitted by Yvonne
 

Remember when?

- A computer was something mind boggling you saw in science fiction movies
- A window was something you hated to clean
- A ram was the cousin of a goat
- An application was a form you filled out for employment
- A program was a TV show
- A cursor used profanity
- Memory was something that you lost with age
- Compress was something you did to the garbage
- If you unzipped anything in public, you hoped not to get caught
- Log on was adding wood to the fire
- Hard drive was a long trip on the road
- A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
- A backup happened to your commode
- You cut with scissors and pasted with glue
- A web was a spider's home
- A virus was the flu

Submitted by HighFlyer

My sister-in law is from Oklahoma and has a slight accent. She has cats and when she lived in the south she would take them to the groomers and have what is called a Line Cut. To her a 'line cut' is when all of the fur hanging down below the cat's tummy is taken off  (because it gets matted or snarled). When she moved to Chicago with my brother, one of the cat's fur got all tangled up and matted during the move so she took it in for a line cut. She was quite surprised when she heard the price as it was twice as much as it was down south. She confirmed with the groomer that he understood what a line cut was and he said, "Yes, I know what  a LION cut is."
It seems her accent came out sounding like LION not LINE,  and this is how her cat was returned to her.
(see PHOTOS below)
She cried for a week...but not as much as the cat. It was November in Chicago and the cat needed all the fur it had."

Gas in car to go to groomers $4.50
Cat car carrier $32.99

Submitted by HighFlyer

How many forum users does it take to change a lightbulb?

  • 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
  • 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
  • 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
  • 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
  • 53 to flame the spell checkers
  • 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
  • 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
  • 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
  • 15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
  • 156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
  • 109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
  • 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
  • 111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum
  • 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
  • 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
  • 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and the post the corrected URLs
  • 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
  • 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
  • 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
  • 19 to quote the "Me toos" to say "Me three"
  • 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
  • 44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
  • 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
  • 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
  • 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

Submitted by Supermom


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